|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:15:50 GMT -5
Hello all,
With the hopes that I could improve upon the mildly-funny Ernest parody video I did on YouTube a while ago, I began writing a sequel to it not long ago. One thing led to another, and yet another screenplay was written, invariably followed by a few more.
As putting together the equipment for the videos has not been as swift or easy as the scriptwriting process, I must honestly confess that I've had a hard time keeping the scripts to myself.
With that, following are some of the stories I have since written, including a re-tooled version of the YouTube pilot (to be funny) for a change.
The list of stories are as follows:
ERNEST DOES IT AGAIN: THE PILOT, RELOADED The new pilot based on the original YouTube video, re-written with significantly more rapid-fire humor, and an improved ending.
ERNEST THE ENGINE TAKES A DIVE This is based off of Thomas Comes To Breakfast, and is not particularly canon to Ernest as we generally know him from the Australian skits, though this was not the intention in the first place. I tried to tailor it with a nod to Professor Vengeance's outstanding Tales Of The Other Railway, more then anything else.
ERNEST THE ENGINE CART'S DISCORAMA (Was "Doesn't Go Clubbing") This was inspired by a factual event of my own (not railroad-related, unfortunately), and might sound somewhat similar to the original Australian parodies then most of these other stories from my own pen - not that I am concerned about that. I am open to revisions and suggestions on this one - I don't think I've maxed out the potential humor in it. (And for those curious: Yes, it was funnier in person).
ERNEST THE STUCK UP ENGINE A completely new story. A bit sparse on humor, but used to set up the stage for Episode #5. Again, suggestions for extra comedy welcome.
ERNEST THE ENGINE CART DELIVERS The second half of Ernest The Stuck Up Engine, essentially. Ernest ends up running a rolling Chinese take-out restaurant train throughout town.
ERNEST THE ENGINE CART: THAT DARN CAT! Various unrelated hijinks involving a derailment, Ernest's big mouth, and a Controller who is acting suspiciously similar to a certain E.S. Blofeld.
ERNEST THE ENGINE CART: COACH POTATO EXPRESS Stevie takes the Dynamite Train and the Express Post train; Ernest shunts coaches, a stationmaster gets drunk, et. cetera.
ERNEST THE ENGINE CART OnTrak A new passenger rail service is added to the Railroad; the Large Controller dedicates it. Proofreaders said it is the funniest Ernest story so far.
ERNEST THE ENGINE CART: ROACH COACH Ernest has fun shunting the OnTrak coaches, though that sentiment may not necessary be shared by the local eateries.
ERNEST THE ENGINE CART'S ELECTRIFYING EXPERIENCE The series finale. The Large Controller, in desperation, buys a bullet train for OnTrak's service, but forgets something important. Such as catenary.
Hope you enjoy.
-Kurt
P.S.: Just to clarify one thing: I never wrote the original Australian Ernest parodies. This parody-of-a-parody project was a spontaneous idea I had when I acquired an LGB 2090 from which Ernest was based off of. I simply twisted the canon of Ernest to fit an "extended" line of stories, you could say.
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:16:11 GMT -5
Episode/Story #1: ERNEST DOES IT AGAIN: THE PILOT, RELOADED
Written by: Kurt Kaminer
--------------------------------- (Opens to a scene with a sign: "Welcome to The Other Railway." A plane passes by quite low and knocks the sign down, to reveal another sign behind it: "Yea, right.")
Welcome. This, friends, is the Fat Controller's railway, but we can't call it that because of political correctness. Blame the soccer moms. Sir Topscam Fatt to you.
On this railway runs a little yellow locomotive, named Ernest. Some call him "Ernest the Engine." Others call him "lazy," but we can't call him that either, lest we ruin the virtuous morals of our program.
Today, Ernest was looking absolutely crabby, which wasn't surprising to anyone - for he always is. On this particular morning, his rant of the day involved the disheveled state of the railroad, which is its usual state at any given moment.
"It isn't fair," muttered Ernest, "first, they send Stevie and Gail away to work on the Island of Sodor, then the Fat Controller goes on a diet." Needless to say, Ernest wasn't pleased, though he was secretly hoping that Stevie and Gail were giving Sodor's censors a run for their money.
Presently, a work order arrived for Ernest to do some shunting. Ernest was in no mood for shunting, and asked his driver to hide the work order - but his driver refused. Leave it to the unions to muddle things up. As his non-compliant operator notched the throttle up, smoke began to billow from Ernest's traction motors.
"OW!" yelled Ernest, trying his best to be a dramatic actor - failing miserably in the process.
Ernest's driver, realizing that the railroad might assign him a decent locomotive for once, reversed Ernest back into the shed, and telephoned for an engine inspector. Unfortunately for Ernest's driver, the inspector was not from the union, and therefore tried to fix Ernest for a good three hours. "I can't do anything for this tub of junk," he said at last - "Topham Fatt ought to scrap this lazy diesel."
At the very utterance of the word "scrap," the FCC, expecting the cancellation of this show, immediately held a party involving, amongst other things, pizza delivery and booze.
That's right - inevitable indigestion funded entirely by taxpayers.
And so Ernest was sent to the scrapyard. But like the cat with nine lives, Ernest somehow got pieced back together shortly after, mainly because this two-bit production got renewed for another season.
Even the FCC didn't mind. They're still smashed from the party.
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:16:32 GMT -5
Episode/Story #2: ERNEST THE ENGINE CART TAKES A DIVE
Story written & proofread by: Tristan Garrett Kurt Kaminer Jake Mensel Thomas Pearce
------------------------
Ernest the Engine Cart was still grumbling. Even though the Works had rebuilt him after being scrapped, he was not in the least bit thankful for it. His fuel injectors were clogged, and he was still fuming about the Fatt Controller having taken up a vegan diet. "Controllers don't eat TOFU!" yelled Ernest as he slammed some trucks into their sidings.
Presently, the yard manager arrived with a work order for Ernest. "I don't want another work order!" complained Ernest, "Have Gail do it!" The manager wouldn't hear of it however, and Ernest collected a string of trucks for his trip to the auto scrapyard.
Ernest remained in a bad temper during the entire trip. "Garden burgers. Soy-free milk. What happened to those Big Macs and Frypods?" muttered Ernest. "The man's insane. Either that, or he can't fit through the drive-through anymore."
Soon, Ernest arrived at the wrecker's yard. His driver carefully reversed the cars into the siding (and smashed them into the buffer stop), while the scrap crane unloaded his trucks. While waiting, Ernest's driver - having heard enough about BOCA burgers - left momentarily to violate the Fat Controller's booze regulations at Duffy's Tavern. It made Ernest think of the horrid experience he endured long ago, when the yardmaster - stone drunk - had poured a gallon of pure vodka into his fuel tank. He had never felt so good.
Ernest waited and waited. Just then, Ernest began to move - his driver hadn't set his brakes properly, and the downgrade caused Ernest to begin rolling uptown. "HELP!" yelled Ernest, but nobody cared to hear him.
Ernest started going faster and faster, straight into the business district of the city. A well-meaning signalman set the points to a siding, but Ernest saw that worse was to come. Just ahead was the Fatt Controller's office. "HORRORS!" yelled Ernest as he plowed straight into the building.
Sir Topscam Fatt was fine, but a disgusting smell of rotting, take-out sushi permeated the air. Ernest was too preoccupied with the smell to listen to any scolding, and was promptly hoisted onto a flat car and taken away. Strangely, Ernest felt quite smug about the events, while the Fat Controller felt the same about his phony whiplash claims.
At the scrapyard, hours later, Ernest's engineer staggered back to the siding in a drunken stupor, just in time to see Ernest delivered, hoisted off, and dangling over the metal crusher with the cars he previously delivered. Unfortunately, the crane operator hadn't positioned Ernest correctly, and sent him flying to the ground, buffer-first, into the Fat Controller's brand-new, insurance-bought sports car.
The driver stared groggily. "Well, that's the way the Mercedes Bendz." *HIC!*
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:16:58 GMT -5
Episode/Story #3:ERNEST THE ENGINE CART'S DISCORAMAWritten by: Kurt Kaminer Thomas Pearce
Proofreading: Mingo Molina Thomas Pearce------------------------ Over credits sequence: Narrator: "Inspired through an actual story. Names have been changed to protect the guilty." Producer: "Well, obviously. We do have definite characters in this series in the first place, for one; secondly, I'm too lazy to get permission from the originators; third, they might refuse, four..." Narrator: "Oh, shut up." *** Ernest The Engine Cart was idling outside the shed one day, reciting various stale Marx Brothers jokes to any engine that would bother listening. "And don't you realize," continued Ernest, "that a 7-cent nickel, carefully used, could last one family a lifetime?" The other engines laughed, and thought it great fun. Ernest had been in a much better mood since the Large Controller had brought Stevie & Gail back from That Place Called Sodor, and the camaraderie was reflected throughout the sheds. Ernest had not even realized the Controller had retitled himself to satisfy the politically correct nannies. Gail and Stevie, however, were still recovering from Sodor. By "recovering," I mean they were compensating by being nuttier then usual. Ernest realized it the moment Stevie started yapping out his funnel. "Ernest, we've got to go clubbing sometime. I gotta take you to Moe's." "Yes" added Gail - "and I'll take you to Heathrow's." Ernest was stunned and dumbstruck, which wasn't too difficult for him. "Clubs?" said Ernest, uneasily. "Since when do engines go to clubs? And what fool would call their club Moe's? It sounds like a petrol station with a built-in restaurant. Eat At Moe's. Count me out." "Oh, come on now," responded Stevie; "We'll go clubbing. It'll be fun!" "I don't drink, Stevie." "What about the time the yardmaster poured vodka in your fuel tank?" teased Stevie. "Shut up. Say, what happened to that stutter of yours?" "That one trip to the Island of Sodor scared it out of me for life." "That figures." Gail piped up. "Come on now, Ernest, you'll like Heathrow's." "Heathrow's? Heathrow is an airport in bloody England" replied Ernest. Gail, who was never too bright, was stunned. "An airport in England? Really?" "Really. And how would you know I'd like the place, anyway?" "Well, you're cool." "So is my refrigerator." Stevie tried to change the tone of the conversation. "Listen, Ernest - give me your phone number, and we'll set something up." Ernest: "You're not getting my number - and you know very well that engines don't have phones." Stevie: "Ok, give me your Facebook." Ernest: "I don't have Facebook." Stevie: "Then what's your MySpace?" Ernest: "I don't have a MySpace! I hate those social networking sites! Remember, I'm an underpaid search engine." Stevie: "Look, I'll put it in my Blackberry." Ernest: "Since when do engines have Blackberries? Oh, hell - here's my YouTube username: c-r-i-t-i-c-a-l-l-o-c-o." Stevie: "k-r-i-t-i-c-a-l-l-o-k-o?" Ernest: "That's C! C, you fool! Critical Loco! You know, the dictionary definition of you." "Cool! I'll email you soon." "Don't bet on a reply." "Be a sport, Ernest." "Forget it. And for that matter, I'm not going clubbing with you. Gail maybe, but not you." added Ernest, with a mischievous smirk. (Just then, some dice hit Ernest on the head)Gail: "Thanks!" Ernest: "What was that?" Gail: "Just a pair of dice that a friend owed back to me." Ernest: "So you gamble too, eh?" Stevie laughed. "Come on, Ernest, it isn't as bad as you think it is." Ernest: "Ah- hah - so you admit that it isn't good.'" Gail: "No, no, no! Heathrow's and Moe's are perfectly fine!" Ernest: "So is my trash compactor, until you put trash in it." Stevie: "Are you saying that clubs are trash compactors?" Ernest: "That might not be too far from the truth, Stevie. In fact, its the first bit of sense you've said all morning." Gail: "Don't be such a square, Ernest. It's fun to go to nightclubs!" Ernest: "Yea - and such evenings invariably end with someone asking the phrase ' your shed or mine?'" Gail & Stevie: "No! That's not it at all." Ernest: "Yes, that is it. Humph. And you kids call them 'clubs' now. When I was a young, shining new locomotive, we called them discotheques." (Scene of Ernest spinning on one wheel in a disco) Gail: "What's a discotheque?" Ernest: "It's a club, dummy. Same thing. Weirdosville." Gail: "Its not like that at all. My boyfriend won't mind either." Ernest: "Eh...you have a boyfriend?" Gail: "Yes. He works for the Union Pacific. They call him 'Big Boy.' Here he is now!" *An imposing whistle is heard in the distance* Ernest: "Good bye..." (Ernest rolls into the shed at top speed, and crashes through the back wall)
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:17:16 GMT -5
Episode/Story #4: ERNEST THE STUCK UP ENGINE
Story written & proofread by: Nicholas A. Jacovinni Kurt Kaminer Thomas Pearce
----------------------------
Ernest the Engine Cart was snoozing in the shed, when the same pesky yard manager that we hired for a previous episode proceeded to awake him. "Look alive, Ernest - you have a slow goods train to take."
Ernest opened a sleepy eye. "That's the ninth slow goods train you've assigned to me this week. Nothing doing." "So you think" replied the yard manager. "You're taking this train or else." "Or else what?" questioned Ernest defiantly. "Or else HiT Entertainment will buy this series and turn it into a politically, anatomically, and ecologically correct kid's show." retorted the yard manager. Without another word, Ernest started off to collect his trucks.
The trucks were old, rusty, noisy, and generally intolerable ever since they were granted Bluetooth headsets by the actors' union. The gallimaufry of high-pitched chattering was enough to drive even the most steadfast sound engineer nuts, though a couple of backfires from Ernest was enough to jam every single phone call within a fifty mile radius. The deafening noise spooked everything in earshot, including a nearby squirrel who dropped a bushel of acorns onto the head of the Large Controller. "Nuts to you!" remarked the Controller, who pitched one of the acorns back at the squirrel. At that, a truckload of acorns promptly fell out of the tree, burying the Large Controller under the rubble.
Ernest took no notice, and backed onto his trucks roughly. Bluetooth headsets clattered onto the sleepers. The trucks didn't like that. "We want our headsets back!" "Tough noogies!" laughed Ernest as he began to take out the slack.
"Ernest," exclaimed his driver, "we're pulling 14 trucks. We're only supposed to have 13." "I'm superstitious" quipped Ernest. "But the Large Controller..." continued his driver "The Large Controller does not have to know about it. After all, both you and I know he has no concept of how to run a railroad." "How would you know? You're an engine." "I read the script during rehearsal - while you were flirting with the waitress at Duffy's Tavern."
Ernest completed his rounds and delivered the thirteen cars where they were needed; then, he headed back to the sheds, pushing the lone fourteenth truck with him. Both he and his driver were tired, and neither had forgotten about how much they had been overworked over the last few days.
"It is a good thing," muttered Ernest, "that I get paid handsomely for this." "Speak for yourself!" boomed his driver, "I am still waiting on my paycheck from last week's show." Soon, Ernest and his driver were engaged in a rambunctious argument that, for the purposes of this so-called plot, caused Ernest to bump the tanker truck in front of him violently. Little did he realize that his buffer had created a gigantic gap in the tank, causing gooey liquid to ooze out at a rate matched only by sophomoric kid's shows on Nickelodeon.
Ernest's driver quickly applied the brakes and stepped out. Then there was trouble. Obligatory trouble, brought on by scriptwriters with no imagination, but that didn't matter to Ernest or his driver. Both quickly realized that they had punctured a tanker of extra-strength Krazy-Glue. Ernest found himself welded to the rails, completely unable to move. "So the Large Controller won't hear about it? The Large Controller won't hear about it?" chided his driver. "He will if you keep shouting." retorted Ernest. "I'll shout if I want to!" "Very well, you're fired." responded the Large Controller. Ernest's driver spun around in surprise. "How did you get here this quickly?" "You know just as well as I do that I frequent Duffy's Tavern," responded the Large Controller, pointing to the pub. "Besides, a voice like yours is loud enough to be on a stage. There's one leaving in 10 minutes."
Stevie eventually came with the maintenance train. Had an accident with a truck of glue, eh Ernest? We always knew you were stuck up." "Since when have I had an accident recently?" "Well, there was the shed wall, and the Controller's office..." "Shut up." "It paste to be careful." "You'd do well to eat some glue yourself."
The workmen found that Ernest was glued down so well that they could not remove him from the rails in short order. Ernest was ultimately removed, still jammed to the rails, onto a flat car and hauled away; while the workmen placed new rails in the gap for the late night Express trains carrying drunk passengers back home from the casino on The Other Railway.
Ernest was finally freed of the rails the next morning, but he should not have been so upbeat about his freedom. Fed up with Ernest's lack of care, the Large Controller set out to teach Ernest a lesson.
Ernest was assigned to haul the Chinese Take Out train.
But that is another twisted story.
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:17:38 GMT -5
Episode/Story #5: ERNEST THE ENGINE CART DELIVERS
Story written by: Kurt Kaminer
Inspired through a plot outlined by: Thomas Pearce
----------------------------
Ernest could not have been in a worse mood after having wrecked a tanker full of glue. The Large Controller had, as punishment, given him the worst assignment on the line - the Chinese Take Out Train.
Ordinarily, passenger trains are irritating enough, with the various fuming hoards of people and all, but the Chinese Take Out Train was worse. Far worse. Think of McDonalds on rails, only with more grease.
Ernest knew it as he pulled up to the cars that morning. The on-board galley had already begun food preparation with used motor oil as an anti-stick additive, and boxes of cheap spaghetti were being boiled in the cooking pans to masquerade as genuine Lo Mein noodles. The stench was horrific.
"Yech!" exclaimed Ernest. "Get me something to plug my nose with!" "But you can't smell," remarked his driver. "One more word of logic from you, driver, and I'll see to it that you'll be eating on this train today." "I'll get a paper clip."
In a short while, the guard waved his egg-roll-stained flag, and Ernest set out, hoping that the shunter had forgotten to fasten the coupling. He hadn't.
Ernest had to keep a brisk pace going, for soon as an order came in through the Trainphone - conveniently requisitioned by the Large Controller from Pennsylvania Railroad equipment at the Works for repairs - the train was immediately diverted to the proper line to make the delivery in time. (Ernest dives into a tunnel with the cars. The Trainphone antennas, which are taller then the tunnel, are ripped off).
Worse yet, the train also had an onboard restaurant. At every station, deliveries were sent out, while noisy hoards of people boarded, insistent on eating stale Moo goo gai pan. That's right, Moo goo gai pan, and we dare you to say that three times fast without upchucking your lunch.
As if it was not bad enough to have generally irate human cargo aboard - but then again, what else is new in the way of passengers - the combination of high speeds, rough points, and flying Wonton soup made the already irritable members of the pompous general public absolutely scalding mad. And not just because of the soup stains.
"We will not stand for this service!" grumbled one of the passengers. "We will complain to the Fat Controller!" "Large Controller," corrected a waiter. "It makes no difference!" "Some people don't like food going to waist."
Meanwhile, Ernest was pretty fed up with food himself. Besides the stench and the rough rails, the occasional bowl of sweet and sour chicken would go flying out the roof from a particularly rough switch, usually spraying him all over in half-frozen fowl and expired sweet and sour sauce; the latter tasting suspiciously of moldy ketchup mixed with sticky honey. By the end of the day, Ernest was covered from radiator to cab in various partially-cooked foodstuffs, with the occasional smattering of faux Lo Mein noodles.
The Large Controller came to see him later that evening. "I hope this teaches you a lesson, Ernest; sloppiness does not make for an efficient railroad." "That is so," replied Ernest. "You might find it wise to remember that yourself." "One more word out of you, and I'll have you scrapped and melted down into a small jet plane." "A small jet plane?" said Ernest, quizzically. "And what would that teach me?"
"Have you ever seen cheap airline food?"
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:19:46 GMT -5
Episode/Story #6: ERNEST THE ENGINE CART: THAT DARN CAT!
Story written by: Kurt Kaminer Thomas Pearce
----------------------------
Ernest was returning from a useless morning of shunting empty freight cars into abandoned sidings when he noticed a strange signal. "That's strange," remarked Ernest. "The story narrator just said it was strange," remarked Ernest's driver. "Stop being repetitive." "You can tell the narrator to stop stealing my lines. Now what the devil was that signal? It was never there before. It isn't even an Other Railway prototype!"
The fact that it had not been there before should not have puzzled Ernest. He knew quite well that the set decorators generally did whatever they please. (Ernest then crashes into a lamp post in the middle of the rails. A telephone booth gets pushed to the side immediately after, and a Tardis is seen flying away along with the USS Enterprise) Nevertheless, Ernest should have exercised caution - but he didn't have a gym membership. What did you expect him to do, you twits?
Ernest had just crested the big hill when it finally came to him. He had forgotten to pay the fuel bill on his way out from the sheds. Not that an engine can pay any sort of a bill in the first place. Nevertheless, it shocked him so much that he jumped off the rails for no apparent reason, other then to satisfy the law of Hollywood Physics: "An object in motion, when startled, shall facilitate a lazy scriptwriter."
Ernest was not badly hurt after the accident, and was soon back in the engine house. "So, Ernest - having trouble staying on the rails, are you?" quipped Stevie. "Nonsense! If the Large Controller would spend more money on rail maintenance, and less money stuffing himself with festering gobs of soy burgers, this wouldn't happen." retorted Ernest, angrily. "That's ridiculous," responded Gail. "It also sounds vaguely of Monty Python." "No, it is not" replied Ernest. "This is the same man who tells his engineers to 'look harder' when they've discovered the motor has been stolen out of a locomotive." Just then, the Large Controller appeared out of nowhere, stroking the fur of a white cat. Ernest gulped. Loudly. It sounded as if the Large Controller was devouring Chinese take out again. "So, Ernest, you do not care for the manner in which I run my railway?" boomed the Large Controller. "Beg pardon, sir." "In your dreams. You can be replaced, you know." "Locomotives are expensive." reminded Ernest. "And scrap metal valuable. CGI is cheap, and you're not. Shape up, Ernest, or I'll utter the two horrible words that pleases all proponents of political correctness." "You don't mean..." said Ernest "Yes. Confusion and..." At that, an unbelievable chorus of whistles and horns went off throughout the entire yard. "You've been warned." With that, the Large Controller left. With that d**n cat.
"Do you ever feel," said Ernest, "as if that man were out to rule the world?" asked Ernest. "It's your imagination." replied Stevie.
(In the Large Controller's office, T.L.C. is seen chowing down): "If only I could buy out the majority stockholders of Subway and Burger King, then I could control the world. Mmmmn. Big Macs. Big Macs." (Begins writing letter while chowing down:) "Dear Burger King. Kindly put more oil in the french fries." (The white cat appears on the desk.) "Go away, cat - you stink like kitty litter." (Before he can shoo it off, the cat makes off with his cheeseburger). "Hey, get back here!" (Cat jumps out of a window, knocking a bottle of mayonnaise over into the yard area, spraying Ernest from funnel to wheels in mayo).
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:20:21 GMT -5
Episode/Story #7: ERNEST THE ENGINE CART: COACH POTATO EXPRESS
Story written by: Kurt Kaminer Thomas Pearce
---------------------------- Ernest was shunting cars downtown when Stevie unexpectedly dropped in. (Stevie drops from the sky, and crashes to the ground behind a building).
A battered and charred Stevie pulled up to Ernest. "Shunting the dynamite train again, Stevie?" teased Ernest. "Har, har, har," responded Stevie, quite unamused. "You'll have to admit that you get a blast out of it," called Ernest as he rolled off to the big grimy station to shunt passenger cars. Stevie said nothing.
Ernest soon arrived at the station, amongst the hoards of irate commuters, dirty passenger cars, and endless boarding announcements. "Ladies and gentlemen, we regret to inform you that the train arriving on Platforms 1 and 3 has been delayed due to an unusual derailment."
"Well, where are the coaches?" asked Ernest. Ernest's driver was puzzled as well, and went to find the stationmaster, who had conveniently disappeared to the local tavern. In the meantime, Ernest listened to the inane warnings over the loudspeaker. "Stand clear of Track #2. Fast train approaching. We repeat, fast train approaching." At that, Stevie appeared on Track #2, crawling at a snail's pace, pulling a single van. "It's the Express Post train," explained Stevie as he rolled away. ("Ride like a donkey, into the future...")
Just then, Ernest's driver returned. "The coaches are on their way, Ernest." "I thought we were to shunt them ourselves." Before his driver could answer, a flat car banged against Ernest's buffers. Both he and his driver peered at the strange sight it was, for furniture was piled atop the car from one end to another. Think Rooms-To-Go in a highly literal sense. "Couches? We're supposed to shunt coaches for the Express, not couches." Meanwhile, the stationmaster, quite blasted from the liquor he'd engorged, stumbled towards Ernest and his engineer. "Here's your *HIC!* couches..."
"Sir," began Ernest, "have you ever seen coaches without roofs or sides?" The stationmaster eyed the flat cars, which was a trick in itself, considering that he was too stoned to see. "Must be the excursion train." "My good fellow, those are nothing more then flat cars with household furnishings on them!" roared Ernest. "Would you be so kind as to tell us where we may find our apparently missing coaches?"
"I'll take care of it at *HIC!* once" slurred the stationmaster, who immediately spoke into the public address system: "Will the passengers who took the 3:20 from Platform #3...*HIC!*...please put it back?"
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:20:42 GMT -5
Episode/Story #8: Ernest The Engine Cart OnTrak
Written by: Kurt Kaminer Thomas Pearce
Inspired through a joke by: Jim "Troublesome Truck" of Sodor Island Forums
----------------------------
Ernest and Stevie were idling at the sheds, awaiting their next trains. "Ernest," said Stevie, "wouldn't it be nice if the Large Controller built a new station?" "It will never happen, Stevie." "Why not?" "You know as well as I do that the Large Controller is an unbelievable cheapskate. That man will do anything to save a shilling on operational expenses." (Just then, a train rolls slowly by, pulled by a dinosaur). "But what about his new Express passenger service?" asked Stevie. "His what?"
The Big Grimy Station was in an awful mess. Passengers were complaining, luggage was misplaced, trains were late, and the pizza shop refused to deliver. What were you expecting? The Second Coming? What turned up was the Large Controller. "Stationmaster," he boomed in a ostentatiously faux, pompous voice, "Have you taken the necessary preparations for the unveiling of our new, express OnTrak passenger service?" "Yes, sir, the precautions have been noted." "Noted?" "Yes." "What does that mean?" "We've taken all precautions except one." "What is that?" "Train ain't here."
Just then, Ernest rolled in with the cars. Two deceptively sanitary OnTrak coaches rolled behind him, along with a disgusting livestock truck tagging along at the back. A bewildered porter stared at the cattle car. "What on earth is that?" he exclaimed. "Third class carriage" responded the Large Controller, who then turned to the guard. "You remember our slogan now, guard?" "Yes sir. 'Always OnTarget, Always OnTime, Always OnTrak.' " "On target is right," muttered Ernest, who had been uncoupled onto a siding, out of earshot. "It won't be more then a week before they crash this thing into a delicatessen."
As the presence of halfway decent equipment became apparent to those in the station, various people began to gather around on the platform. The Large Controller stood up on a podium and addressed the crowd.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he began. Ernest had his own comments to add. "I guess that takes in most of them" said Ernest, softly. "Today, we commemorate the beginning of a new passenger service option." "Such as seating." "This service will promise to be a revolution in rail travel." "It'll set it back 1,000 years." "While you relax in comfort, the countryside will pass by in a blink of an eye." "Because it goes through the city." "With that, I present to you, the train ONTRAK!" "That's not too far from the truth." "And, for today only, we are slashing OnTrak ticket prices by 75%." "And your auto tires too."
With that, passengers rushed to the ticket office to get their discounted OnTrak tickets, while the public address system blared throughout the terminal, announcing the new service: "All passengers for OnTrak service please proceed to Platform #1. All passengers for derailed service, please proceed to Platform #2." The hoard of passengers pushed and shoved to get to the ticket window, as a completely uncontrollable mob. Oblivious to the queue, a small gentleman attempted to muscle his way to the front, only to be vigorously pushed back amidst colorful commentary. Once again he tried, and once again, he was pushed back. Still persistent, he attempted to penetrate the crowd a third time to the same result. With that, he yelled at the top of his lungs: "Bugger this, if I get pushed out of here one more time, I'm not opening that ticket counter!"
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:21:12 GMT -5
Episode/Story #9: Ernest The Engine Cart: Roach Coach
Written by: Kurt Kaminer Thomas Pearce
Story editor: Tristan Garrett
Proofreading: Tristan Garrett Mingo Molina
---------------------------- The Large Controller's new OnTrak passenger service was an instant success in the weeks following its introductions. Passengers enjoyed riding in the coaches - which were curiously sanitary - and the trains ran approximately on time. Only two hours late.
At least they beat Amtrak.
Likewise, Ernest was kept busy shunting the coaches for the OnTrak trains at the Big Grimy Station. He didn't mind it much - pushing the cars made for easy work, and trains were infrequent. Just the type of job a lazy engine such as Ernest enjoyed. Until he was told to shunt some 3rd class carriages.
Now, for those of you who don't know - and if you don't, our consistency editor requests that you watch our episodes in chronological order - 3rd class carriages on the Large Controller's railway are dirty, stinky, repulsive pieces of rolling stock. That is because they are cattle car conversions with minivan seats bolted to the floor. Consequently, there isn't much to tell them apart from the normal cattle cars, other then the smell of rotting French fries stuck between the cushions.
The cars loaded with cattle smell better.
Naturally, Ernest hated the 3rd class cars. "Move, you!" he shouted, as he buffered up to them. "You're a loudmouthed, yellow caterpillar-" replied the cars, "move yourself!" So he did. The cars shot down the siding, broke through a brick wall, and ended up in a delicatessen.
Well, it was a delicatessen.
The Large Controller arrived to inspect the damage, inevitably snatching some sliced meats in the process. "Tis hont goo, Ornst." he said. "Didn't your mother tell you not to talk with a mouth full of pastrami?" *Gulp.* "This won't do, Ernest." "On the contrary, I think its an improvement. You can't smell the French fries anymore."
Ernest, damaged only in pride, was soon lifted back onto the rails, and returned to switching duties after an obligatory safety-nanny lecture.
Meanwhile, the 3rd class carriages had since been cleaned up by the railroad's underpaid janitors, and sent out on their respective trains to satisfy the cheapskate passengers. Not to mention that Ernest's driver took the opportunity to make an obligatory visit to Duffy's Tavern.
Now, while Ernest's driver is getting himself schnokered, let's keep in mind how the the OnTrak system is run - or shall we say - isn't run: In the morning, two trains are sent out, 30 minutes between each. A couple of hours later, both return to the same terminal, as the Large Controller is too stingy to maintain coach facilities at each end of the line.
Despite a smooth run, neither 3rd class coach was about to ignore the fact that Ernest had shoved them earlier, and both were well aware of his driver's tendency towards the pub. Then again, the whole town does. Nevertheless, the coaches were out to pay him back when they arrived.
What arrived first was Ernest's driver, plastered as usual. "Hi-Ho, Ernest! Away!" *HIC!* he called out. Ernest simply rolled his eyes. And shut them for the sake of dignity. Or soda cans from onlookers.
The first coach to arrive back at the station - if you can call the thing a coach - had been on the receiving end of Ernest's buffer that morning, and had remained exceedingly cross the entire day. "I'll show him" muttered the car. Ernest backed onto the string of coaches after the express locomotive had been disconnected, and proceeded to shunt them into a siding. Simultaneously, the coach prepared to bump Ernest. Or so he thought. Ernest's driver, tipsy as ever, knocked Ernest's throttle extremely erratically at the very moment that the coach bumped them; breaking its coupler and allowing it to roll down the line away from the station.
Everybody watched in stunned silence as the third-class chicken coop began flying down the line, whizzed through a crossing, onto a siding, and bashed through the buffer stop straight into a Mickey D's. "Hello! Welcome to Mickey D's! Can we interest you in our Triple-Decker Bubba Burger Value Meal?" "Serves 'im right," chuckled a very amused Ernest, who went on with his shunting duties.
Ernest realized that the second coach, pulling in with the 4:15 OnTrak Express - only an hour late - might be up to the same tricks, though he figured that no coach stood a chance against a locomotive engineer loaded with one too many Heinekens.
Fat chance. Just as he was coupled to the second consist, the third class carriage gave a great pseudo-motorized heave, rocketing Ernest, his driver, and the coaches - not to mention a couple of beer cans tied to the rear coupler - down the very siding leading to...
...the delicatessen.
Ernest was more stirred then shaken, though his wheels were firmly embedded in the linoleum. Once again, the Large Controller came to snitch some cold cuts before reprimanding his accident-prone diesel shunter. "Well Ernest, what do you have to say about this?" "The coaches must have worked up an appetite, sir." "Wise guy, are you?" "What were you expecting? After all, you're the one full of baloney."
|
|
|
Post by Kurt K on Jun 13, 2009 12:21:27 GMT -5
Here we go - the triumphant (yea, right) finale to the 10-episode, first season: [/b] Episode/Story #10:Ernest The Engine Cart's Electrifying ExperienceWritten by: Kurt Kaminer Thomas Pearce
Proofread by: Tristan Garrett---------------------------- The Large Controller, thoroughly fed up with OnTrak's used passenger equipment, bit the bullet and bought... ...more used passenger equipment. But since he bit a bullet, he bought a used bullet train. On sale. From the dollar store. Made in Taiwan. Ernest, Stevie, and Gail all had their doubts. "This is ridiculous," said Ernest, "Electric locomotives are unreliable, newfangled, high-tech hoopla. He should stick with reliable diesel propulsion, like me." "I beg your pardon?" said Stevie, wheezing steam testily. "Yes, yes, and steam engines that have escaped preservation too." "At least I don't go crashing into delicatessens." Ernest was about to quip back when Gail attempted to change the mood. "Ernest, if this new locomotive trainset is electric, doesn't that mean that it will need overhead catenary wires to run?" "I would imagine so," replied Ernest. "But doesn't that take a lot of time and effort?" asked Gail. "Yes, and more importantly, money." "But the Large Controller is an incurable cheapskate!" protested Stevie. "He'll inevitably find a foolishly inexpensive manner to take care of it." (The Large Controller's underpaid workmen promptly nail some rickety lumber into the worst-looking, homemade gantries you've ever seen. Did I mention that these gantries are suspended by abandoned trackside telephone poles?)Not more then a week later, the new trainset arrived via Leeki Tiki Ship Lines Incorporated. It would have arrived sooner, but the rebuilding company couldn't print the tacky box art fast enough. Ernest was sent to supervise the unloading, even though the reasoning behind sending a locomotive to oversee the unloading of equipment makes no understandable sense. "Will you look at that," exclaimed Ernest. "Pre-packaged and pre-assembled Defect in a Box. Bah! I'm more reliable then any electric could ever be." At that comment, Ernest's prime mover spluttered and stalled. His driver got out, whacked one of his valve covers with a ball-peen hammer, and Ernest roared back to life. The new electric express was soon unloaded in entirety, but as the dockyards were not electrified, Ernest had to pull it to the yard. Thankfully, the new trainset didn't have a face, eyes, or a personality, so Ernest could complain at will while doing so. In addition to the trainset, a small book was handed to Ernest's driver before they left: " An Idiot's Guide To Railroad Electrification." "Just what our dear Controller needs" commented Ernest. In traditionally rushed Large Controller fashion, the new "bullet train" was unveiled for its first revenue run two days later, amongst grand ceremony and the breaking of a $5 bottle of champagne on the streamlined nose. As typical, the Large Controller made a monotonous, tiresome speech, followed by the official boarding. Ernest watched from Platform #2. "Sir," asked Ernest, "isn't it risky to run this unproven equipment?" "On the contrary, Ernest - the new electric Express is absolutely reliable" said the Large Controller, in his generally fake, pompous voice. "If you say so." Then, the big moment came - the new OnTrak Bullet Express was ready to depart. "POWER IT UP, BOYS!" yelled the Large Controller. (A 120v power plug is pushed into a wall socket, and the Bullet Express glides out of the station).
The Express passes countryside, etc, to fitting music. A pigeon flaps down onto the catenary line to roost, and nearly fries himself in the process.
All of a sudden, the pantograph arm on the Bullet Express jolts upward with a large spark, and the train glides to a halt. They just used up all the catenary wire that was erected - there is no more catenary strung over the line past this point."I knew he was cheap," remarked the Express' driver, "but this is ridiculous." An alarm call went down the line for the stricken Bullet Express, and the stationmaster went to fetch our less-then-triumphant trio. "Gail, Stevie, Ernest!" yelled the stationmaster; "the Bullet Express is stranded - they need you three to haul it to its destination." The three engines looked at each other, and broke out in laughter. Soon, they arrived at the scene of humorous disgrace. The Large Controller was waiting for them, perspiring profusely, as seething passengers gathered around in what was becoming an ugly mob. Well, of course it was ugly. Have you ever seen a pretty mob? " 'Absolutely reliable?' " teased Ernest. "Did Radio Shack run out of do-it-yourself catenary?" asked Gail. "Shocking" added Stevie. "Shut up!" bellowed the Large Controller. "I'm not sure if you three know this, but I do have a railway to run. If you three wouldn't mind, I would appreciate it if you could pull this consist with the best speed you can manage." "Well, Ernest...should we?" joked Stevie, enjoying the fact that the Controller was sweating it out for once. "Just do it!" yelled the Large Controller, who had curiously donned a Nike shirt between scenes. "No plugs, please!" said Gail, as the three buffered up to the Express trainset. The three engines pulled, yanked, strained, and generally did a pretty good job of acting as they brought the Express up to speed and flew through the countryside. Stevie had never gone that fast before, and was enjoying it tremendously. "WHEEE!!!" he exclaimed; "I feel like a young engine again!" "Oh?" asked Ernest, "I didn't think you ever went over 15 miles an hour." As unbelievable as it seemed, the odd consist arrived at the Other Big Grimy Station only 30 minutes late. The passengers cheered, jeered, chanted, and sweared in elation; while the Large Controller walked up to speak to the trio: "I can't believe I am saying this, but I must admit - you three are REALLY USEFUL ENGINES." "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
|
|