Post by Kurt K on Dec 17, 2009 17:45:15 GMT -5
Did someone order a supersized movie?
Written by:
Kurt Kaminer
J.D. McHenry
Thomas Pearce
---------------------------
FUZZY PICTURES
presents
A
HALF-BAKED FILM
Presented in association with
THE NATIONAL COALITION OF POLITICALLY INCORRECT MEDIA
ERNEST & THE MANIC RAILROAD
STARRING
WHOEVER WE COULD GET...
...CHEAP
and
ERNEST THE ENGINE
DIRECTED BY...
...A TRAFFIC WARDEN
PRODUCED BY...
...THE PRODUCERS
NARRATED BY...
...HARPO MARX
NARRATOR'S ASSISTANT...
...BUBBLES THE CHIMP (on loan from HiT Entertainment)[/center]
* * *
Hello, I'm Mr. Narrator, and I'm going to talk far too much throughout this ordeal, so you better put up with me or go watch another video.
This is a story about trains, folks too close for comfort, and something called a plot. Who knows? Who cares? Shut up and eat your popcorn.
You hear that brilliant orchestral theme song? That means there's a less-then-brilliant little locomotive rolling down the line - his name is Ernest, and that's his theme song. Now hear that? That is his industrial diesel engine drowning out his brilliant orchestral theme song.
All good movies have heroes, but Ernest isn't our hero, and this isn't a good movie. That's why Ernest is now waiting at a passenger station with his goods train.
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1," counted Ernest.
A rocket blasted into space, and Stevie pulled in with some Express Mail cars.
"STEVIE!" yelled Ernest, "do you realize what you have done? You've brought the Mail Train on time! You've ruined the Large Controller - can't you see that sign over there? It says: 'The Large Controller's Railway: Really Useless and Never on Time.'"
"Sure I can see that sign," replied Stevie - "but I can't read. Furthermore, the Large Controller ordered me to bring it on time."
"Well what do you know, something is being done right around here," remarked Ernest.
Just then, Stevie's mail cars fell apart in pieces, causing mail to fly everywhere.
"Well, glad to see that some things are normal," said Ernest. "Now why did he ask you to bring these cars on time?"
"He said that he's worried about another railway taking over."
"Another railway?"
"Yes. Whining Time Railways Inc."
"Oh, brother."
Just then, the engines heard a horrendous screeching sound approaching fast, and a strange voice.
"ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!!! RAUS, RAUS, RAUS! I CAN'T STOP!"
A big rail crane with a ugly grabbing claw wooshed by Ernest and Stevie, out of control. He disappeared around the bend as soon as he had appeared.
"Who was that?" asked Stevie.
"Who was that? WHAT was that?" exclaimed Ernest.
And at that, the Large Controller popped out of nowhere.
Literally.
"That, I fear, is Crusty 10, the bucket crane," said the Large Controller. "He's from Whining Time Railway Industries - they're trying to buy me ou-"
Stevie interrupted. "Just a minute - sir, you're not on holiday?"
"Stevie, this movie has the budget of a McDonald's dollar menu. We couldn't afford to get a sappy big name movie star to hog the screen."
"We couldn't?"
"No."
"So who are we left with?"
"Me."
"You?"
"Yes."
"Oh, cra-"
In the nick of time, Ernest's guard blew his whistle, and Ernest began to pull away. But not before something else happened.
A strange rail vehicle whizzed by, piloted by one man in a seedy, plaid suit. The vehicle was in the shape of a tractor with railway wheels. (www.railpictures.net/viewphoto.php?id=115706&nseq=77)
"I'm coming, don't worry, I'm coming, mein herr," called out the strange device, as it disappeared out of sight.
Ernest and Stevie exchanged glances.
"Boy, the producers went really cheap with this one."
* * *
A few hours later, Gail was in the sheds when Ernest arrived.
Ernest slammed into the buffers, hard enough to send them flying 10 feet into the leg of an old water tower.
"You're not concentrating, Ernest," quipped Gail.
"I am."
"Then why did you slam the buffers?"
"Sometimes, Gail, you just have to have a bit of faith."
Just then, Crusty the crane rolled up, with the strange-looking tractor pushing him from behind. The crane spoke up.
"Hah! Vaith in you? That's for dummkopfs!"
"I beg your pardon? What gives you the right to speak like that?" questioned Gail.
"I vill speak to silly vittle locomotives, however I veel like it! Pretty soon, my kontroller vill own this railvay!"
"What cheek!" spluttered Ernest. "Go away, and take your tractor with you!"
"Insolence! You vill stand vat za-tention when I spheak to you! I am not leaving, nein!"
"Not for anything?"
"Not for ANYZING!"
Just then, the leg of the old water tower - bent from the buffer stop - gave way, causing it to topple directly onto Crusty.
"OOOH, VAOWWW!" yelled Crusty, who promptly retreated with the aid of his tractor, dragging most of the water tower with him.
"See what I meant, dear Gail?"
Gail begrudgingly mumbled something in reply.
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing."
* * *
Meanwhile, a certain man was wobbling down the sidewalk in the town's square. This man's name is Burnett, and he's the town drunk. Folks often point to him and exclaim, "Look! There's Burnett, stoned!" He used to be a signalman on the Large Controller's railway a long time ago.
I bet you know why he was fired. Permanently.
Let's just say that Ernest, Stevie, and Gail were all simultaneously sent to the Works for extended rebuilding around the same time.
Burnett was a kindly sort, and wished that someday, somehow, he could make it up to the Large Controller for his folly. His chances of doing so were slim, but today was different. Every day, he usually visits an old vacant building on the edge of the town's square - only today, he found it wasn't vacant. As he walked through the door, he heard a voice in the back room.
"It's all set. I brought Crusty and Clagwell with me - we'll cause so much confusion and delay that the Large Controller will be forced to sell the railway to us!"
Burnett nearly collapsed. The voice had said 'confusion and delay.'
* * *
On another part of the railway, the strange tractor and Crusty were admiring a cliff face, apparently carved out with the likeness of each respective character.
"How in ze name of Deutsche Reichsbahn did you do zat, Herr Clagwell?"
"I chiseled it myself, sir," replied the tractor.
"Don't tell me zat lie or I vill zend you to ze Russian front! You can't veach zat high, und you can't chisel. Vait, was is los? Is that YOUR likeness next to MINE? You CRVVEEP!"
"There hasn't been a Russian front since 1945," mumbled the tractor.
"VHAT VAS THAT?!"
* * *
Burnett was stoned, but he was running through the streets. Fast.
Until he tripped.
Before long, he came up to a rickety, old, customized G20 van in a field, which was missing many vital trim components. This was Burnett's mode of transportation until 10 years ago, when his license was revoked, but it still started. Did I mention he had put a 454 big block under the hood when he moonlighted as an auto mechanic?
*SCREEEEECH!*
Something tells me that he's looking for the Large Controller. Or trouble. Same thing.
* * *
Stay tuned for part #2, if you dare.
Ernest & The Manic Railroad
[/b]Written by:
Kurt Kaminer
J.D. McHenry
Thomas Pearce
---------------------------
FUZZY PICTURES
presents
A
HALF-BAKED FILM
Presented in association with
THE NATIONAL COALITION OF POLITICALLY INCORRECT MEDIA
ERNEST & THE MANIC RAILROAD
STARRING
WHOEVER WE COULD GET...
...CHEAP
and
ERNEST THE ENGINE
DIRECTED BY...
...A TRAFFIC WARDEN
PRODUCED BY...
...THE PRODUCERS
NARRATED BY...
...HARPO MARX
NARRATOR'S ASSISTANT...
...BUBBLES THE CHIMP (on loan from HiT Entertainment)[/center]
* * *
Hello, I'm Mr. Narrator, and I'm going to talk far too much throughout this ordeal, so you better put up with me or go watch another video.
This is a story about trains, folks too close for comfort, and something called a plot. Who knows? Who cares? Shut up and eat your popcorn.
You hear that brilliant orchestral theme song? That means there's a less-then-brilliant little locomotive rolling down the line - his name is Ernest, and that's his theme song. Now hear that? That is his industrial diesel engine drowning out his brilliant orchestral theme song.
All good movies have heroes, but Ernest isn't our hero, and this isn't a good movie. That's why Ernest is now waiting at a passenger station with his goods train.
"5, 4, 3, 2, 1," counted Ernest.
A rocket blasted into space, and Stevie pulled in with some Express Mail cars.
"STEVIE!" yelled Ernest, "do you realize what you have done? You've brought the Mail Train on time! You've ruined the Large Controller - can't you see that sign over there? It says: 'The Large Controller's Railway: Really Useless and Never on Time.'"
"Sure I can see that sign," replied Stevie - "but I can't read. Furthermore, the Large Controller ordered me to bring it on time."
"Well what do you know, something is being done right around here," remarked Ernest.
Just then, Stevie's mail cars fell apart in pieces, causing mail to fly everywhere.
"Well, glad to see that some things are normal," said Ernest. "Now why did he ask you to bring these cars on time?"
"He said that he's worried about another railway taking over."
"Another railway?"
"Yes. Whining Time Railways Inc."
"Oh, brother."
Just then, the engines heard a horrendous screeching sound approaching fast, and a strange voice.
"ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG!!! RAUS, RAUS, RAUS! I CAN'T STOP!"
A big rail crane with a ugly grabbing claw wooshed by Ernest and Stevie, out of control. He disappeared around the bend as soon as he had appeared.
"Who was that?" asked Stevie.
"Who was that? WHAT was that?" exclaimed Ernest.
And at that, the Large Controller popped out of nowhere.
Literally.
"That, I fear, is Crusty 10, the bucket crane," said the Large Controller. "He's from Whining Time Railway Industries - they're trying to buy me ou-"
Stevie interrupted. "Just a minute - sir, you're not on holiday?"
"Stevie, this movie has the budget of a McDonald's dollar menu. We couldn't afford to get a sappy big name movie star to hog the screen."
"We couldn't?"
"No."
"So who are we left with?"
"Me."
"You?"
"Yes."
"Oh, cra-"
In the nick of time, Ernest's guard blew his whistle, and Ernest began to pull away. But not before something else happened.
A strange rail vehicle whizzed by, piloted by one man in a seedy, plaid suit. The vehicle was in the shape of a tractor with railway wheels. (www.railpictures.net/viewphoto.php?id=115706&nseq=77)
"I'm coming, don't worry, I'm coming, mein herr," called out the strange device, as it disappeared out of sight.
Ernest and Stevie exchanged glances.
"Boy, the producers went really cheap with this one."
* * *
A few hours later, Gail was in the sheds when Ernest arrived.
Ernest slammed into the buffers, hard enough to send them flying 10 feet into the leg of an old water tower.
"You're not concentrating, Ernest," quipped Gail.
"I am."
"Then why did you slam the buffers?"
"Sometimes, Gail, you just have to have a bit of faith."
Just then, Crusty the crane rolled up, with the strange-looking tractor pushing him from behind. The crane spoke up.
"Hah! Vaith in you? That's for dummkopfs!"
"I beg your pardon? What gives you the right to speak like that?" questioned Gail.
"I vill speak to silly vittle locomotives, however I veel like it! Pretty soon, my kontroller vill own this railvay!"
"What cheek!" spluttered Ernest. "Go away, and take your tractor with you!"
"Insolence! You vill stand vat za-tention when I spheak to you! I am not leaving, nein!"
"Not for anything?"
"Not for ANYZING!"
Just then, the leg of the old water tower - bent from the buffer stop - gave way, causing it to topple directly onto Crusty.
"OOOH, VAOWWW!" yelled Crusty, who promptly retreated with the aid of his tractor, dragging most of the water tower with him.
"See what I meant, dear Gail?"
Gail begrudgingly mumbled something in reply.
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing."
* * *
Meanwhile, a certain man was wobbling down the sidewalk in the town's square. This man's name is Burnett, and he's the town drunk. Folks often point to him and exclaim, "Look! There's Burnett, stoned!" He used to be a signalman on the Large Controller's railway a long time ago.
I bet you know why he was fired. Permanently.
Let's just say that Ernest, Stevie, and Gail were all simultaneously sent to the Works for extended rebuilding around the same time.
Burnett was a kindly sort, and wished that someday, somehow, he could make it up to the Large Controller for his folly. His chances of doing so were slim, but today was different. Every day, he usually visits an old vacant building on the edge of the town's square - only today, he found it wasn't vacant. As he walked through the door, he heard a voice in the back room.
"It's all set. I brought Crusty and Clagwell with me - we'll cause so much confusion and delay that the Large Controller will be forced to sell the railway to us!"
Burnett nearly collapsed. The voice had said 'confusion and delay.'
* * *
On another part of the railway, the strange tractor and Crusty were admiring a cliff face, apparently carved out with the likeness of each respective character.
"How in ze name of Deutsche Reichsbahn did you do zat, Herr Clagwell?"
"I chiseled it myself, sir," replied the tractor.
"Don't tell me zat lie or I vill zend you to ze Russian front! You can't veach zat high, und you can't chisel. Vait, was is los? Is that YOUR likeness next to MINE? You CRVVEEP!"
"There hasn't been a Russian front since 1945," mumbled the tractor.
"VHAT VAS THAT?!"
* * *
Burnett was stoned, but he was running through the streets. Fast.
Until he tripped.
Before long, he came up to a rickety, old, customized G20 van in a field, which was missing many vital trim components. This was Burnett's mode of transportation until 10 years ago, when his license was revoked, but it still started. Did I mention he had put a 454 big block under the hood when he moonlighted as an auto mechanic?
*SCREEEEECH!*
Something tells me that he's looking for the Large Controller. Or trouble. Same thing.
* * *
Stay tuned for part #2, if you dare.